Tuesday, November 18, 2008
...and I mean that literally!!! As you well know I HATE snakes, lizards, frogs, AND rats!!! Now I REALLY hate rats. Last night was like a scene out of the movie “Ben.” This was an epic Hollywood adventure right here at the Gulch. I was the star, and I had all my brave little minions around me. The unnamed and unwelcome characters were 4 (count ‘em), 4 RATS!!! This is so gross, and so many other adjectives also to describe the scene. I was waiting for Dan’s call last night saying he was on his way home, which was my signal to fire up the grill. I got that call and headed out to the grill and turned on the gas, then proceeded to lift the lid when I saw 3 BIG, FAT, HAIRY gray rats. One jumped off to the right, another headed right at me, and the third was a blur as I screamed bloody murder and exceeded the land speed record running into the house. This was a field day for the dogs having all these little rodents to chase gleefully around the yard, but sometime during my screaming episode I was also calling for the dogs to follow me to safety. Safely indoors, and with my heart beating a million miles a minute, I called Dan, and in total honesty you’d have to ask him what I said, but I gather he was getting quite a bit of enjoyment out of my story (he confessed later that if he witnessed this scenario he would have been laughing so hard that he would have risked injury from me). Now I’ve had the chance to calm down, I head back out to the crematorium (I did leave the lid up), with electric match in one hand and my cell phone in the other (with Dan on the line). I repeat the process and turn on the gas, but didn’t light it right away, thank the lawd, because ANOTHER rat flew out of the bowels of this fire-breathing pit of death trying to escape certain death in this gas chamber. When I say flew, I mean straight up and out, and soared about 6 feet, landed on the grass, with Emily in hot pursuit (little fat girls can run fast). I screamed louder than the first time, snapped my cell shut, and high-tailed it back into the house. Everything got kind of blurry after that, another call to Dan, one to my son, tears coming to my eyes, swearing we’re moving to a high rise, thinking I need to check the toilet before sitting down (they do come up the pipes), wondering what a sight it would have been if I lit the grill BEFORE the 4th rat jumped out, and if I did, would the blazing rat have run under the deck and set the house on fire. My mind can really overact in a very short amount of time. After all the series of events were over, Dan set out some rat poison (even in the grill), and checked it this morning, and yes, they found the poison. Those bloody rodents are going to be history!!! AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA (say that with evil in your voice). The final question is why now? We’ve been living here for 9-½ years, and have NEVER had rats in the grill. I just don’t get it.